而我撲吃一聲,笑了出來。
                                                                               
原因很簡單。
                                                                               
                                                                               
因為這個穿著鐵灰色型男杉,有著四隻手(剩下四肢我還沒發現是什麼)
衝著我哼哼那麼一輕蔑的人體,
                                                                               
在該是頭部的地方,居然長的
                                                                               
和我小時候印象最深刻的特攝節目
假面騎士第一集 "怪奇! 蜘蛛男!"裡的反派腳色
                                                                               
蜘蛛男的頭部竟有七八成相似!
                                                                               
蜘蛛男之所以令人映像深刻不只是因為他是第一個反派,
                                                                               
而是假面騎士也正是所有等身大英雄特攝節目的天字第一號創始作,
                                                                               
所以蜘蛛男等同於是所有日本發音,身高不超過兩公尺的反派們的老祖宗。
                                                                                
                                                                               
眼前的這張臉孔。
                                                                               
灰僕僕的臉部,有著詭異的,非綠非黃非紅的線條。
                                                                               
嘴巴的位置看不出上下唇應有的形狀。
                                                                               
而已是昆蟲的口器了,一開一合,咬囓著,吞吐。
                                                                               
唯一不同的,是他的眼睛。
                                                                               
在夜裡,閃閃發亮,唯一還像人的地方。
                                                                               
                                                                               
這是一個你在任何地方看到,都該撲吃的一張臉。
                                                                               
我也撲吃了。
                                                                               
但我隨即後悔,
                                                                               
因為,怎麼看,這活靈活現,有著人類氣息的巨型蜘蛛,
                                                                               
絕對不是任何一種人造的機制或是器械,
                                                                               
那是真的那麼一隻,就在我眼前的,約兩公尺高的一隻,
                                                                               
真實的虛擬巨獸。
                                                                               
                                                                               
其中的一隻前肢,他的(廢話,不然我的喔?)
                                                                               
向我伸了過來,那尖端,
                                                                               
竟是沾滿沙土的,同樣灰樸的,
                                                                               
人類的五指,一隻肉掌。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
那發亮的眼神很透著那樣一點的溫和,
                                                                               
有點降尊抒貴似的,居高臨下的offer我一隻前肢,
                                                                               
竟是要和我握手。
                                                                                
                                                                               
"咕督。"不由自主的吞了口口水,多麼的Cliche。
                                                                               
我們握了握手。
                                                                               
那絕對是人的手。
                                                                               
食中二指甚至有著 因久握筆桿才會出現的粗繭。
                                                                               
                                                                               
他衝我笑了笑。
                                                                               
喔不,對現在的我來說,
                                                                               
他衝著我,口器張了一張,又合了一合。
                                                                               
嘴裡吐出的竟然仍是那跩到有剩的口吻,
                                                                               
發音清楚,咬字標準:
                                                                               
"這位先生,請這邊說話。別打擾了他人雅興。"
                                                                               
我到現在已經完全忘記他人或是自己在數十秒前
曾經或仍就存在的任何丁點獸性了,遑論雅興。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我呆呆的,跟著他走。順著那八隻手腳
(我現在看清楚了,剩下的四肢果然是腳,居然都是Adidas)
                                                                               
在沙灘蔓延的痕跡。
                                                                               
前行數步。
                                                                               
                                                                               
一邊喃喃自語,我的老毛病:
                                                                               
"幹,是不是我眼花啊..."
                                                                               
                                                                               
蜘蛛男忽地轉過身來,
一臉微笑地(別問我是怎麼知道那是微笑)
又開口了:
                                                                               
"Facile credo, plures esse Naturas invisibles quam visibles
 in rerum unviersitate"
                                                                               
幹。
                                                                               
這次我是一個字也聽不懂了。
但我這人,有一個也不知是優點還是缺點的特徵。
                                                                               
老愛裝懂。
                                                                               
聽到隻字片語,就以為全盤了解。
                                                                               
又或是,在從頭到尾聽不懂的外語電影裡,
聽到了在歐茵西老師俄文課上曾經有印象的一些音節,
                                                                               
就自以為可以和人家一起看並且討論俄國電影甚至文學了。
                                                                               
哎呀,我又懂什麼狗屁俄國電影文學呢?
我僅看過的兩部俄文電影,加起來清醒的時間根本不超過1hr啊。
                                                                               
關於文學,所知也少的可憐,
                                                                               
除了Dostoevsky,Chekhov,Pushkin,大概就沒了。
                                                                               
我連俄文字母都記不全了吧現在。
                                                                               
但我想我討論起他們的時候,
                                                                               
絕對是比歐老師還要自信的。
                                                                               
那都是佯裝啊,吹牛皮是也。
                                                                               
                                                                               
(習慣將陌生未知的資訊,連結到自己所能理解的知識。
而這聯結往往是可笑的。)
                                                                               
"fellatio?"
這是我的英文字彙和他剛剛唸那一長串鬼打牆的前幾個音節,
最快速連結上的一個。
                                                                               
"Fellatio?"
                                                                               
我這輩子最想要的20件事情裡面,
大概前五名。
                                                                               
在旅途開始之前,在我瞎掰的那個故事裡,我的那張夢想藍圖(廣告紙的背面)
                                                                               
這個字一定存在。
                                                                               
"Fellatio." (BY Japanese TWINS, 我一定這樣寫的!)
                                                                               
                                                                               
我千山萬水跑來這裡,
                                                                               
結果真的讓我在這裡遇見了一次難得的野戰,
                                                                               
"Fellatio" 也很有可能出現在接下來的短兵相接之中。
                                                                               
                                                                               
你這隻怪奇蜘蛛男,跩文現學問就算了,
還不讓我擔任"戰地記者"的神聖任務,
                                                                               
現在還敢回頭衝我傻笑,說什麼
                                                                               
"FE-LLA-TIO??"
                                                                               
                                                                               
歸攬啪火都起來了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
"怪奇蜘蛛男!"
                                                                               
我根本不理他到底在那邊給我屁什麼話。
                                                                               
我又犯了老毛病,亂給人家取一些靈機一動的濫外號,
                                                                               
當年就是因為這樣才被周育X打的啊。
                                                                                
                                                                                
                                        
                                                                                
            

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