"Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink;
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink."
                                                                               
蜘蛛男站在瓶底,向透明以外的湛藍大海,耍他那一派博學浪漫。
                                                                               
                                                                               
"Shut up."
                                                                               
我蹲在瓶口,雙手緊緊撐住瓶頸,臀部則努力的向瓶外伸展。
                                                                               
下腹部還得不斷的施加,體腔內的壓力。
                                                                               
                                                                               
對,我在上廁所。
                                                                               
這個姿勢也是歷經了十數次的失足墜海,十數次的烙賽在瓶口,
才精心設計出的,完美體位。
                                                                               
甚至另外一人 得在此時站在瓶底,也是這個精妙排泄機制裡不可或缺的一環:
                                                                               
蜘蛛男得幫我維持瓶身的平衡。
他還在那邊繼續呢:
                                                                               
"Day after day, day after day,
We stuck, ne breath ne motion,
As idle as a painted Ship
Upon a painted Ocean."
                                                                               
                                                                               
"閉上你的蜘蛛嘴啦。" 我扯開乾裂的喉嚨,向瓶子的另一端吼。
                                                                               
一方面也是為了用力,讓體內本就不多的廢物離開,在幽闃的海洋裏另覓宿主。
                                                                               
另一方面,也是因為我忘記我的喉嚨有多麼的乾裂。
                                                                               
"噢..." 剛吼完就後悔了。
                                                                               
喉頭有一汪不大不小的液體正凝聚,是龜裂的咽,苦澀的血。
                                                                               
                                                                               
仰頭一吞,不喝白不喝。
順著這個後仰頭的勢子,我整個人也彷彿失足似的,向瓶外倒去,
                                                                               
                                                                               
我可不是上廁所上到一半跌到馬桶裡喔 (這馬桶也太大了吧)
                                                                               
這仍是我精妙出恭機制的一部份,
                                                                               
且看:
                                                                               
我往瓶外猛地自上而下旋轉了三百六十度,
身子卻抗拒不了地心引力的向水面直墜,
                                                                               
猿臂輕伸,雙手十指緊緊扣住瓶口,
                                                                               
雙腳彷如扇子似的劈開,好一個瘋狂假面的姿勢。
                                                                               
卻原來,藉著這個姿勢,得以清洗一番,
                                                                               
克難的免痔馬桶,殺菌消毒!
"喂~~拉我起來。"
                                                                               
"喔。"
                                                                               
從瓶底那端,射過來一條乳白,溫熱的線段,
                                                                               
我故意hold久一點,等那白線不熱才握住。
                                                                               
"拉我上來~"
                                                                               
"1~2~~1~2~~1~2~~"
                                                                               
如果你知道那線是從哪裡出來的,別說等它冷了,
                                                                               
你連摸都不敢摸!
                                                                               
                                                                               
我起初也摸的也不怎麼情願,
                                                                               
但日子嘛,總是得過的,不管你情不情願啊。
"ㄟ,東西傳一下,準備弄東西吃了。"
                                                                               
"as you wish!"
                                                                               
我最討厭他這一點。
                                                                               
很愛裝一個什麼莫名奇妙的態度,
                                                                               
不知道是從哪裡的電影或是小說學來的濫口音,
                                                                               
總是以為別人會像他自己那麼樣的看待自己:
                                                                               
有著奇怪腔調的Hugh Grant 或是Colin Firth;
                                                                               
一開始我還有力氣的時候還會認真的罵他:
                                                                               
"ㄟ,這裡不是英國或哪裡,這裡哪裡也不是只是個瓶子;
                                                                               
你也不是什麼外國人,你明明就是隻蜘蛛啊你啊你..."
諸如此類的話。
                                                                               
                                                                               
罵久了他也還是那個樣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
可你不會真的討厭他的。就像是小丸子裡的花輪一樣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
跩歸跩,但你不會真的討厭他的。
                                                                               
                                                                               
在漫長無止境的漂流裡,(漫長的好像連永恆也把我們遺忘,)
                                                                               
他其實滿刻苦的,
而生活在一個飄流汪洋的玻璃瓶裡,
                                                                               
你總是在各方面用的到繩子的,不是嘛?
                                                                               
                                                                               
比方說現在。
把網子丟下去~"
                                                                               
"Aye Aye, Captain Ahab!"
                                                                               
唉,明明就是蜘蛛啊。
                                                                               
算了。總比一個人關在瓶子裡,等阿拉丁把我擦出來好。
                                                                               
"On we go! Captain Satrbucks!" 我裝有趣的回答。
這白鯨記 Moby-dick
我還算有看過幾面。
                                                                               
有的時候你得遷就一下,這是我這個人下流和上道的秘訣。
                                                                               
隨著身邊的人的喜好起舞,說起來很賊,很軟脊椎,不過我總是這樣的。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
我國中的時候曾經瘋狂著迷於布袋戲。
                                                                               
每天收看,每天背頌人物的對白。
說實在的我從來也不喜歡,我也搞不懂 假到不行的木偶,
                                                                               
配上俗到不行的髮型,還有比髮型再更俗一點的口頭禪。
                                                                               
我是這樣去學習身邊同學的文化的。為的是更不被發現一點,
                                                                               
更群居一點,更溫暖更社會一點。
                                                                               
更不那麼自己。只為了融入。
                                                                               
                                                                               
而我瘋狂的叨念著人物的詩號,分辨其源流和出場集數。
                                                                               
一切直到國中畢業的那一天,我把家裡那成堆的雜誌CD電玩攻略,
                                                                               
全部送給了 周玉X的弟弟。另一個戲迷。
                                                                               
"全部送給你!"
我裝出一派15歲(下面已經濃密到可以自認大人了),
一派成長後的顧盼自得和瀟灑。
"還有告訴你姐姐,很抱歉我不喜歡她,還有,
這半年來一直拉她肩帶..."
                                                                               
"肩帶是什麼?" 這個國小三年級小朋友問我。
                                                                               
"你還早勒!" 我們古亭萬華一帶1998~1999年間 國中小朋友
的口頭禪, 動不動就你還早勒你還差得遠勒。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
總之我為了進入一個社會而汲汲營營,
而假裝自己喜歡上一個我從來也未必真正付出目光去端詳的文化。
                                                                               
直到畢業,我才如釋重負,因為這個社會啊說的難聽一點,
                                                                               
                                                                               
已經不為我所需要了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我竟是那麼樣的Utilitarian嘛?
                                                                               
一個功利主義者,哪邊有洞那兒鑽的精蟲。
在大學延畢那年,跑去教小朋友,和當初顧盼自得的我,差不多年紀的小鬼們,
                                                                               
我老是有個感覺,就是
                                                                               
我自己從來也沒有真的從那個年紀成長。
                                                                               
因為那樣的態度,面對同儕,面對團體,
                                                                               
我的個性總是那樣的,偎向西瓜較大的一邊。
                                                                               
大家喜歡什麼,我就喜歡什麼甚至更喜歡。
                                                                               
大家研究什麼我就廢寢忘食,大家欣賞什麼我就夙夜匪懈,
                                                                               
總之,根據多數人的scale安排我的偏好,我的時間分配,我的專注。
                                                                               
沒有我自己的意見。
                                                                               
可我說的比誰都大聲啊真是笑話。
                                                                               
喔我太會說了。說的連我自己都相信了,
每天都在那邊"半神半聖亦半仙" 再不然就是"一簫一劍平生意 負盡狂名..."
                                                                               
從來也沒搞清楚誰和誰為了什麼在哪裡打了一場架,殺了哪些幫什麼派,
                                                                               
暗暗對粗劣的聲光特效皺眉以外,竟開始磨練從來未曾靈光的台語。
                                                                               
唯一的正向副作用,當時的我不無陰險的暗咐。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我竟是那樣的功利嘛,那樣的敷衍,目的只是為了融入?
                                                                               
在海面上的空閒時間,空閒到雲朵都被我數完,並且一一取上名字。
                                                                               
我開始衡量省思自己的實用主義。
                                                                               
是啊,說好聽就是實用主義,
                                                                               
說的難聽點啊,我可還真不想說。
                                                                               
                                                                               
是啊,原來直到現在,我都還是這樣一個人呢。

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