是啊,原來直到現在,我都還是這樣一個人呢。
                                                                               
就算是現在,我所處的社會已經被簡化到兩個人了,
                                                                               
我還是不免偎向同樣大小的另一塊異己,
                                                                               
難道我期待的是一個毫無異意的和諧嗎?
                                                                               
我為什麼那麼的害怕"異於常人"這件事呢?
                                                                               
這或許可以歸咎,人類的通病,群體的暴力。
                                                                               
但現在呢? 這個透明荒島裡,只剩下我,和一個根本無法稱為人的異己,
我竟還是不安的嗎?
                                                                               
                                                                               
這樣的態度在高中時代更加的明顯,我卻也玩弄的更加巧妙。
                                                                               
                                                                               
在社團裡,在班上,在班上的小團體裡,
                                                                               
各種腳色,各種信仰各種,尺規的和諧,
                                                                               
全都扮演,遊走,揮灑自如。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我買了一萬塊的曲棍球鞋,打的是跑鋒,
從來也沒有射進任何一球卻擔任總務;
                                                                               
                                                                               
班上的好學生們和我交情向來不壞,
我們在意數學題目的難度,名次的更迭,模擬考的成王敗寇,
我們的厚鏡片清一色的油膩;
在我坐的位置的附近那群怪胎,既不穿垮褲 分數也馬馬虎虎,
                                                                               
投籃永遠搞不懂左手只是輔助。
                                                                               
他們的桌上擺的永遠也不是數學測驗卷或是神兵玄奇。
                                                                               
而是早安少女組。
                                                                               
                                                                               
在換過去那個區域之後的一個月,
我背的出該少女團體的每一隻單曲,每一個人的出生年月日籍貫,還有暱稱。
                                                                               
                                                                               
為的只是坐在那個位置的八小時,我可以不被排擠。
                                                                               
                                                                               
多麼糟糕,多麼簡單,
                                                                               
這就是我的目的啊。
我從來也沒考慮過的事情,則是:
                                                                               
我自己到底要的是什麼? 是這樣不斷的大聲附和嗎?
                                                                               
以後要做什麼工作?要不要出國? 該喜歡什麼人? 選哪個黨?
                                                                               
賄絡哪個主管,選哪一顆飽滿如胸部的甜瓜?
                                                                               
我不聽我自己的話,因為我自己沒有嘴巴。
                                                                               
我聽社會的話,大家的意見就是我的意見。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
著名的諾貝爾獎經濟學家Arrow的不可能定理告訴我們:
                                                                               
在假設每個人的偏好有異的情況下,
這個世界不可能透過多數決來令所有人都滿意。
                                                                               
                                                                               
Well,本定理不適用於我這種人,媚俗而從眾。
如果世界上的每個人都是我這種人的話,
                                                                               
那麼一定是一個軟趴趴的怎樣都好的社會。
                                                                               
不會有紛爭,不會有個性,不會有偏好。
                                                                               
不過,如果每個人都是我的話,那麼也滿麻煩的,
                                                                               
因為那一定是一個拔劍四顧心茫茫的社會,
                                                                               
沒有人有主見,那就是沒有任何的意見。
                                                                               
白吃一樣的,豬豕一樣的,每個人都在打量每個人,
                                                                               
像是在玩"老師說"。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我曾經是這樣子的一個人啊 敷衍於社會,敷衍於說法。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我現在還應該是這樣子的人嘛?
                                                                               
I Don't think so.
----                                                                                
我們現在要用 蜘蛛絲編成的網,用我的排泄物作餌,來捕魚。
                                                                               
雖說是蜘蛛絲作的網,但是如果真的是拿蜘蛛網來捕的話,
                                                                               
肯定連排泄物都捕不到的。 一下水就破了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
我們的網子,主要材質還是海草,頭髮,我書包邊邊的鐵絲,
                                                                               
蜘蛛絲充其量算是粘著劑,補強節與節之間的結構。
                                                                               
當然,整個網該怎麼編,整個藍圖還是得靠他。
看他快手快腳(快肛)的打結,拉緊,又打結,又拉緊,
一邊還 "這不是很簡單嘛?" 彷彿示範怎麼樣作一盤鮮蝦莎拉。
                                                                               
一副那種節肢動物的"何不食肉糜"
自以為會編網吐絲就那麼高人一等的惺惺做態。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
我承認我這麼想,有點反應過度。
                                                                               
                                                                               
不過說真的,在看到你身邊的一個別人,硬是比你優秀一個甚至多個等級,
                                                                               
超前你好幾步,站在社會或是食物鏈的高階位置,
                                                                               
而你向上抬頭仰望,他可 一派涵養,
自以為是東漢光武帝在中國歷史繪本出現的那樣 謙沖自牧,
                                                                               
不管你仰望的那個人是考上了什麼第一志願,
要出國去哪裡的波士頓NYU,還是只是吐絲織網捕魚,
                                                                               
總之那種優越感啊 你自己透露出的那種卑微,
是很可以讓人越覺得自己 算不上那麼一回事的,
                                                                               
於是你益發的卑微了;
                                                                               
還有就是,你對他的態度是益發的刻薄了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
像我就是這樣。
                                                                               
                                                                               
"這不是很簡單嘛?" 他口器微微的震動,像是吹著一曲香榭里大道。
                                                                               
"拜託,不是每個人都像你這樣能從肛門吐出絲,"
                                                                               
我發現我不再像從前那樣顧忌任何事了,我侃侃道出我滿肚刻薄怨氣:
                                                                               
也不是每個人從小就有巨型蜘蛛媽媽教我們怎麼樣穿針引線,織網捕魚。
這個瓶子裡雖然人口眾多,但也還有一半的人數並不嫻熟於自然界的幾何奧秘。
我們是人類。對,人類,一種你不是的物種,人類。
你就算再怎麼會背頌舊約的以賽亞書或是引用Thomas Burnet的拉丁文稿,
你都不會是的一種生命形式。"

以賽亞書還有Thomas Burnet其實就是我們初遇那一晚 他所quote的兩句。
前者我還能夠聽的懂,後者則直接被我污名化了。
(還記得嗎?)

"這不是大家都該知道的事嗎?" 他在很久很久以後的某一個白天
解釋給我和Asako聽,那是她還有顏色的時候。


"........"                                                                                
                                                                                
                                                                               
除了那次編網,他也不是第一次被我反唇相譏了。
                                                                               
而大概每一次的反應都像是這樣,
                                                                               
沉默以對,我的無理。                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                                
                                                                                                                                                              
出海以後,我的理性就不知道跑到哪裡了。
                                                                               
或是說,這才是一種不受限的自由?

手中的網緊了緊,有獵物了。
                                                                               
我和他對望一眼,已經商量好接下來的對策。
                                                                               
我下去收攏漁網,他在上面拉,我在下面推。
                                                                               
漁網裡的獵物通常是些巨大的草蝦透抽或沙丁魚什麼的,沒有火總之是生吃。
                                                                               
很久很久以後我才驚覺這些草蝦或透抽 沙丁魚的巨大,
                                                                               
但那又是很久很久以後的事了,那一陣子連太陽都不太常見了。
                                                                               
                                                                               
                                                                               
我是兩人之中比較會游泳的,身體的密度也比較大,
                                                                               
不會一個不小心被海浪吞沒。
當然,就我們現在身處的海域看來,遠洋的海浪
                                                                               
當然比起海岸邊的浪濤更是風平浪靜。
                                                                               
                                                                               
但蜘蛛男不行,他一下水就會骨折。骨骼的密度太輕了,根本沉不下去。
                                                                               
                                                                               
更令他膽戰心驚的海地近海面處的漩渦,
                                                                               
表面風平浪靜,水波不興,卻很可能在下一秒把你連人帶網扯到海底。
                                                                               
                                                                               
雖然我每次都笑他: "唉,藉口一大堆啦~" 倒也不敢真的讓他下去,
                                                                               
這樣說可能有點娘,但是,
                                                                               
在這漫長彷如永恆把我們忘記的旅程裡,
                                                                               
我的生活已經變得不得不依賴他了,還有他的網。

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